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| Journal Entry: January 28th, 2011 - (RDU airport, awaiting flight to Philly)
Last weekend I found myself coming down hard on myself... and confused. I woke-up moody at 10 am, strapped for time as I had to help my parents with their Bible Study and at 12:30 meeting up with my friend Flora. I had no desire to be obedient - I just wanted to relax. And so I trudged through Bible Study with my parents, rushing through questions, expressing deep sighs of impatience as my dad took so long to read and write his answers to the questions (bless him, he tries so hard). I was so frustrated with myself, my reaction, and the whole ordeal. I felt at that very moment I was messing up - all these things God had laid before me, opportunities to teach and reach out to my parents - I was messing up! Look at my attitude! No one is going to learn a thing and I am not following the will of God!
At the very end of the Bible Study we ended in prayer and I broke down in the midst of it. I talked to my mom later and told her how disappointed I was in myself and how I felt I had disappointed God that day. Then she repeated back to me something I had recalled to her from a Tim Keller sermon:
There is nothing I can do to muck-up the will of God.
Nothing. And I knew this but I didn't know it. Even with my failures, my disappointments, God is in total control of things to come. They will work out somehow with or without my help though I suppose the reason God wants us to obey is so we can experience His will with clarity of mind. We accept things as they come easier - good or bad. We experience His blessings and blessings in disguise without fear or hesitation.
Perhaps I don't need to be in the Triangle for God's will to be done... sounds silly but I'm only now beginning to realize it. So disappointed I am when things don't turnout as I expect but wouldn't it be lovely if I can just get the extent of God's desire and love for His children, for this child?
There is nothing that can muck-up God's love for me because of Jesus. Nothing. No matter what I do (or even what I don't do) nothing will separate His love for me. Thank you Jesus for dying for me, thank you for being the forsaken in my place, thank you for taking my punishment for me, thank you. Amen.
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| Journal Entry: December 29th, 2010
Wisdom does not just happen (darn it). As in all the qualities of God it seems as humans we have to work very hard to attain these attributes in ourselves: wisdom, love, forgiveness, humility, love. The fruit of the Spirit.
James said to those of us who lacks wisdom, if any of us are incomplete and immature... "persevere!" In the midst of trials stay right, stay holy, remain joyful, be obedient, love to you very utmost.
"But when he asks [for wisdom], he must believe and not doubt."
I pondered this all night before I fell asleep last night. Why is it we must believe and not doubt when we ask for wisdom? What does one who doubts wisdom look like?
James says that those who doubt are "double-minded!", "unstable in all he does"! Such strong words but probably for good reason!
Who has wisdom?
I suppose those who have lived and gone through a lot of life, maybe even suffered, and yet remain humble, peace-loving, and filled with good fruit. {James tells us further not to seek out advice and wisdom from those who remain bitter, envious, hateful, or full of selfish ambition.}
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."
God will most graciously teach me how to go through life with its trials and sufferings and come out more humble, more peace-loving, more gracious, more considerate, and filled with good fruit if I am willing to persevere but also am humble enough to learn along the way. Tara, listen to those who give good advice, obey God's Word, follow the example of Christ, harbor only the good and throw away the bad that comes along with the good.
If I were to take on the bad advice along with the good where would my foundation be? But as James said I would be, "like the waves of the sea." I would have nothing firm to stand upon, no stability to my words or my actions. | | |
| My friend Olivia recommended I think of one word to live by this year, one word to "resolve" by. My word? Patience-- yes I need this bad.
Journal Entry: October 9, 2010
Sifting flour through a cheese grater... takes a lot of time. I woke up at 3:50 am and couldn’t fall back asleep so I decided to make biscuits with some leftover buttermilk that had been sitting in my fridge for the last week. I suppose sifting through a cheese grater is worth the effort if in the end you get better biscuits. According to Alton Brown sifting helps get more air in your dough to create a lighter, fluffier baked good.
Anyhow, this entry has nothing to do with cooking but about patience. While I was sifting (which had to take at least 15 minutes to do - a cheese grater is not an ideal sifting tool) I was thinking about patience, perserverance, and suffering. Why does God make us go through all this stuff? Life, I suppose, can be like the flour being sifted through a very flat, very annoying cheese grater.
Patience has really been on my mind for the past few months. I realize, I don't have any and certainly God is at work in my life to humble me enough to attain it. I can be so hasty and only now am I realizing how important it is to come to God with prayer before everything - every single thing. Doesn't he deserve it anyhow?
I've also been thinking about the qualities of patience in reverse, "love is patient". Isn't it strange that love's first quality is patience? Isn't it wondrous then that God must place patience high on the list of His attributes as well? God is so patient with us and yet we are so very impatient with Him and everything else in the world.
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| Journal entry 12/21/2010 - 4:45 am (can't stay asleep...)
Why oh why is it so important for me to "love my brothers"?
OVER and OVEr 1 John talks about this "loving one another" necessity... almost like a broken record. So much so I almost overlooked and ignored the entire meaning altogether!
WHY?? To love God why must we love our brothers?
And what is this love supposed to look like anyways??
I'm trying to tie all the pieces together but find it especially hard to focus today...
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Continued Journal Entry - 8 pm
I'm realizing, like forgiveness, loving other people requires something supernatural more often than not. Especially when it comes to those who annoy you, or who do something in particular that hurts you (though they may have no clue or know fully well!). It's especially hard to love someone when they criticize you, judge you, or mock you behind your back. I do not want to love someone back when they are overbearing and needy or the opposite... when they act like they don't care at all. And I'd rather not love somebody who I am disgusted with, or afraid of, or terribly disappointed in.
It's hard to love, period.
So in this way where loving is hard and when it's hard to overlook faults, sins, foolishness, or even our own insecurities reflected on someone else - consciously we cannot simply cease to forget. I suppose Christ never did say "just avoid it", instead He said "love one another." And so like forgiveness, what I've learned is that it may take a thousand times over with me saying the same prayer in order to finally forgive, and so maybe in the same way a million prayers on how to learn to love. It may happen that a certain individual continues on in this behavior and so a thousand times over I must ask God to help me love them regardless.
It takes something supernatural to love because I think in God's divinity and really in all his intelligence he knows us way better than we'd think and in that way he can transform us to love if we let Him.
Maybe, just maybe, we can only love God if we first love our brothers because when we love one another we learn to be humble before man. And if we can become humble before men, surely then we can become humble before God. And certainly this is the only place we can be, the only place we were meant to be. | | |
| Journal Entry 10/26/2010
For whatever reason John chapters 9-11 have really captivated me. They speak to me in such a new way and I can't help but read and reread the words. They are comforting at a new level. This is what I think has changed - my perspective and who I identify with.
For so long I read through the gospels identifying the most with the Jewish leaders, the unbelievers. And so whenever I read through these passages all I could ever hear and feel was this sense of guilt and condemnation - Jesus said to them, "Why do you say you see and hear?" But I've realized, by God's grace, I CAN see and hear because I am a believer. I am a believer! I have been blessed with sight and sound, I am not like the pharisees!
And with this newfound revelation I only feel God's grace when I read the message - I can see his compassion and feel his struggle to convince everyone to believe in Him.
So when I read Chapter 10 I know: Jesus is my good shepherd, He laid down His life for me. I walked through His gate and I am saved. I know who my shepherd is and my shepherd knows me too!
I do believe! I do believe!
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